Healing…

forest

I don’t know if anyone reads my blog or not, but tonight I am crying inside again. Don’t know why per say, but maybe just want to write something down to help me feel better. Just need to breathe somehow…

Ever have a problem with the way you see yourself? Ever feel like a piece of junk, like you’re the biggest wreck in the world? Yup, that’s me right now. I know spiritually it’s wrong to think that, as I know that God Loves me, and I have far more worth to Him than I could ever imagine, and yet… I am still like a child who’s been hurting all her life. I am a new creation in Christ, but I am still in need of healing. I can’t go into too much detail online, but basically I need prayer. Prayer for healing of my emotions, self-esteem, and any effects of different life trauma to be released from my being. It wrecks a person so bad.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with being myself – why? (And yes, I have written about this before). Because I was always compared to others in a bad way – You’re slow as a turtle, Are you purple?, The immigrants can get a job why can’t you?, You’re just like your Dad, You’re just like your Mom (my parents separated when I was 11), and to top it all off, my sibling always got what they wanted, and I got nothing I wanted. My art got criticized a lot as a kid which hurt even more since that was something I cared about deeply, both by family and by friends. And growing up I was either too fat, too skinny, too flat, too short, too ditzy, too smart, too much of a loner, too shy, too slow, dressed too well, dressed too down, too — you name it – I seemed to be too much everything bad. It was a terrible way for a kid to grow up – at least emotionally. Physically I had food, clothing, shelter, education, medicine, health, so, “Boo hoo!” I know. North American mentality – there’s people out there struggling to stay alive. I really don’t have a reason to complain, just always felt like I’m not good enough for anyone, and sometimes, the day to day stuff is easier to handle than the emotional stuff that just messes people up. And it probably doesn’t help being female because we are hormone driven… ugh! It’s not fun let’s put it that way…

So yeah, I’ve been asking for prayer over the past month or so for healing emotionally, and God is doing a good work in me, but I must keep pressing forward no matter how icky I feel sometimes. I must push away all bad thoughts about other people, insecurities, doubts, fears, wrestle with my inner being, tell myself that I am a new creation in Christ and believe it because God’s Word is truth, and I know He never steers me wrong. I start feeling bad with certain triggers, and I mostly know why now – poor self-esteem. And I’m working on improving that, so no worries, but I will get there eventually. It’s a love – hate relationship, just can’t seem to completely get out of this stuff, thankfully I know that even though I can’t, God can, and will. He will pull my hand and lift me out so long as I let Him. That’s the thing with God, He doesn’t force you to listen, He may give you a push in a certain direction but ultimately it’s your choice to listen or not. So I pray that I will keep listening to Him. Can I get an Amen?! Amen.

Until Next Post,

*~Roxy~*

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>