Healing…

forest

I don’t know if anyone reads my blog or not, but tonight I am crying inside again. Don’t know why per say, but maybe just want to write something down to help me feel better. Just need to breathe somehow…

Ever have a problem with the way you see yourself? Ever feel like a piece of junk, like you’re the biggest wreck in the world? Yup, that’s me right now. I know spiritually it’s wrong to think that, as I know that God Loves me, and I have far more worth to Him than I could ever imagine, and yet… I am still like a child who’s been hurting all her life. I am a new creation in Christ, but I am still in need of healing. I can’t go into too much detail online, but basically I need prayer. Prayer for healing of my emotions, self-esteem, and any effects of different life trauma to be released from my being. It wrecks a person so bad.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with being myself – why? (And yes, I have written about this before). Because I was always compared to others in a bad way – You’re slow as a turtle, Are you purple?, The immigrants can get a job why can’t you?, You’re just like your Dad, You’re just like your Mom (my parents separated when I was 11), and to top it all off, my sibling always got what they wanted, and I got nothing I wanted. My art got criticized a lot as a kid which hurt even more since that was something I cared about deeply, both by family and by friends. And growing up I was either too fat, too skinny, too flat, too short, too ditzy, too smart, too much of a loner, too shy, too slow, dressed too well, dressed too down, too — you name it – I seemed to be too much everything bad. It was a terrible way for a kid to grow up – at least emotionally. Physically I had food, clothing, shelter, education, medicine, health, so, “Boo hoo!” I know. North American mentality – there’s people out there struggling to stay alive. I really don’t have a reason to complain, just always felt like I’m not good enough for anyone, and sometimes, the day to day stuff is easier to handle than the emotional stuff that just messes people up. And it probably doesn’t help being female because we are hormone driven… ugh! It’s not fun let’s put it that way…

So yeah, I’ve been asking for prayer over the past month or so for healing emotionally, and God is doing a good work in me, but I must keep pressing forward no matter how icky I feel sometimes. I must push away all bad thoughts about other people, insecurities, doubts, fears, wrestle with my inner being, tell myself that I am a new creation in Christ and believe it because God’s Word is truth, and I know He never steers me wrong. I start feeling bad with certain triggers, and I mostly know why now – poor self-esteem. And I’m working on improving that, so no worries, but I will get there eventually. It’s a love – hate relationship, just can’t seem to completely get out of this stuff, thankfully I know that even though I can’t, God can, and will. He will pull my hand and lift me out so long as I let Him. That’s the thing with God, He doesn’t force you to listen, He may give you a push in a certain direction but ultimately it’s your choice to listen or not. So I pray that I will keep listening to Him. Can I get an Amen?! Amen.

Until Next Post,

*~Roxy~*

True Love

As I was reading today’s Our Daily Bread verse, (Revelation 22:1-5), it reminded me of a dream God gave me recently and I want to share it with you. It was all about preparing to go to Heaven and symbolic of the trip to Heaven.

It started out with me going into a building, and seeing one of our close Christian friends sitting in a room in front of a portal of swirling fire. It was freaky with many demons sticking their heads out (and maybe claws too, I can’t remember). They wanted to eat or kill me and they had super long sharp teeth – yikes! Our friend told me to walk through and I would be okay. I looked at the fire again and was creeped out. I knew those things were from Hell.

Next thing I did was walk outside around the back of the building and found a door which I knew led to the room with fire so I was a bit hesitant to open it, but by faith I opened it and when I did I was relieved to see it empty except for an old man standing beside a table. I knew that because I had accepted Jesus as my Savior I didn’t have to worry about Hell since He had overcome it for me. Such symbolism!

I was with other people now including my husband. Next, the man was giving each person two certificates – I think with two different colors. He gave me mine and I walked outside, but when I checked my pocket I only found one so I anxiously went back to the man to tell him, but then I found the other paper so I was super relieved. I knew that these symbolized my ticket to Heaven.

Then it was time to go to Heaven, so we walked outside to what looked like the seats of a roller coaster and got in. My hubby was sitting beside me and my hubby’s sister was in the seat in front of us. We had to buckle up. Now as an aside – I don’t like roller coasters in real life, I find them scary, so in my dream it took lots of trust for me to sit in that seat, but I knew God would keep me safe so i did so anyways.

Next it was time to go up into Heaven – praise God!! So the man, (or angel?) In charge of the ride got in and we started to rise off the ground and were going straight up into space! I was screaming from the thrill, “Woohoo!” – and joy of finally going to be with Jesus. My soul was so happy!

Suddenly, we burst through the Earth’s atmosphere and I could see a million beautiful stars twinkling and I was so thrilled to be there. This travel took what seemed like only a couple seconds. And next thing I knew, we were pulling into Heaven.

My dream ended just after this, but as we were entering Heaven I saw a room set up like a store with tons of toys on the shelves that an angel was in charge of and I felt joy knowing that was for all the kids to enjoy there – I was happy for my kids too! God loves children so much!

Before my dream ended, I remember thinking with excitement, “I’m finally here!!” I was finally home! What a comforting feeling – so amazing!! ^_^ Suddenly God’s all encompassing Love surrounded me and filled me like a huge hug!! And I felt love like no other I EVER felt before – it was like a combination of romantic love, friendship love, sacrificial love, fatherly love and more!! WOW. I am so blessed that God showed me a preview of His full presence! I think its because I had been asking to feel His Love for a long time, and now I know what its like as a whole! I share this story with every Christian I know because its a reminder of why we look forward to Heaven. I think sometimes people get so caught up in religion and day to day life that they forget why Heaven is exciting. And for a Christian that is a sad state to be in – we should all be excited to tell others the reason for our joy in Salvation – Jesus Loves us – God Loves us!! What more do we need?!

Blessings,

Roxy